pointing fingers and finding praise

i make judgements.

i see others sin and wonder why they seemingly choose to live in it.

why is it okay to see (and more often than not, point out) a specific flaw in another person and completely ignore it when it's present in my own heart?



i think of having my own family one day.
raising my children, instilling in them the love of God's Word and obedience to His commandments.
those kids are going to make mistakes in their lives which i will have no control over.
but it breaks my heart even now to think of the grip sin could have in their life,
and the choices they will make regardless of what i teach them,
regardless of the love i show them. they will decide to sin at some point.

then, the truth glared at me.

that must be exactly how the Lord feels about us.

how much it must anguish Him, to see us choose less than His perfect plan.
He knows the very best and we still do the things He despises, the sins He absolutely hates.
psalm 51 even says that it is against Him and Him alone that we sin.

how dare i use the shortcomings of other people, other brothers and sisters in Christ,
to lessen the wretchedness of my own sin.

the ugly, horrible reality is that every day i can and do decide to tear people down in a futile attempt to climb the ladder of self-righteousness. there's nothing more to say about it, because that's all it is.
i should be building them up, speaking encouragement, praying for them.
that's what i want others to do for me, right?

these thoughts would be overwhelming, and condemning,
if not for a risen Savior,
a Holy Spirit that convicts and comforts,
and a Heavenly Father who draws His children back to Himself.
that is the glorious truth that i cling to.


-b

single as a pringle.

hello, strangers. long time no see! 

this post has been coming for a while now.
at first I debated whether or not to share it, but I kiiiinda feel like I need to.
it's fairly personal, and not something I talk about too often. alright.
(^ ha, that sounds like I'm confessing a felony or making a huge announcement.. 'tis not so.)

anyhow. let's talk about relationships.

*collective sigh*

can we (as in the christian teenagers who may be reading this) all agree that topic is..
trite? tired? overdone? old? confusing? stressful? heck, how about boring?

I personally don't want to read another article about it ever ever ever.
(well, ok. some of the wisdom I've came across is probably more invaluable than I realize right now.)

here's my story. or problem. whatever. 

hopefully you can find a little encouragement from it.


I've never had a boyfriend and if you want to know the truth,
sometimes I'm terribly insecure about it.
no, I don't think I'm worthless or somehow less of a person because of it.
but on my bad days, I ask myself, "well.. why isn't anyone interested? what's wrong with me?"

(here's the part where you feel bad for me and maybe even say "aww" and cry.

...kidding. that's a joke.)

in fact, in my head I know that:

• my worth, value, identity, and security aren't based in my relationship status. at all.
• there is just that one person who was made for me (and I've always believed that)
• God knows exactly how He'll bring that person into my life, and it's out of my control.
• if singleness is what He chooses for me, He'll also supply the strength I need.

but sometimes those truths are difficult to translate to my heart.

I want to know for sure what will happen, or what I should do, and how it all works together.
but I don't.
I feel left out seeing everyone else have someone. but that's okay.
when my relatives at family reunion ask year after year if I have a boyfriend,
I just blush and say no as they ask me why. but that's okay, too. it's actually pretty funny.


all that to say this:
God is so faithful to me.

He is my foundation, my purpose, and the greatest relationship I will ever know.

if He blesses me with marriage, I want to do my best to make sure it is a display of Christ and His love for the church.

I pray for that person every time I think of it, and I reallyyy hope he does the same.
I need it, you guys.

if it's worth having, it's worth waiting for.



oh, and this.. because I love it.

-b

against the voices.

guys, I'm not really sure what I'm about to write but it's probably going to sound
like I need to be tested for a mental disorder.. so here goes.

do you ever hear voices?


do this. be that. talk more like this. don't feel that way. DOTHISBETHATDON'TDOTHATBELIKETHIS.


..that's how it sounds in my head.
every day.
voices, yelling.
beckoning, screaming for attention.
preconceived notions, flat out lies, hopeful assumptions, & so much more.





sometimes I wonder how many of those voices sound like
advice I shouldn't take, articles I shouldn't read, thoughts I shouldn't dwell on,
and honestly.. social media that I need to limit (Lord Jesus, help me!).


have we all but forgotten the need to tune out every once in a while
and take a really close look at what we're thinking about?
our sources of information?
how do we form our opinions?
our thinking patterns? even our worldview?

once again, more questions to be answered. blah blah blah blah blah.


so what does it boil down to? where is the resolve? root of the problem, people.


there is a singular voice of Truth that's more than a Casting Crowns song.
He lives in the sixty-six-book divine letter that sits on my shelf 75% of the time.

(can I just be painfully honest here and say that I DON'T always get it right?
I fight against these voices. I don't read my Bible enough. I struggle with prayer.
thank God for His beautiful grace and conviction that simultaneously
calls me to change that and gives the strength to do it.
that's what I consider a win-win situation.)

how clear is that voice when we know Who it belongs to.
although, a little disclaimer:
sometimes God's voice is hard to hear,
and sometimes He chooses to remain silent.
(but that's a different discussion for a different time.)



so, do you hear all those nagging voices now?
the ones pulling you in every direction but north?
I know I can.
better yet: do you know the voice of Jesus when He speaks?

-b

nostalgia + more

the past creeps up on me, slowly sometimes, or instead all at once.
the good, the bad, the really good, and the really bad.

it seems like a waste, to keep going back to a time that is non-existent.
if there's no benefit to draw from it, no new lesson to be learned.. why?
yet to me, it's incredible that we even have a memory.
a little storage compartment.
to be able to recall how I felt, how it changed me, how I feel about it now.
my memory is like a box kept under lock & key,
containing precious things and moments that matter only to me.

but is it only me? do other people feel this same way?
if these things were to all perish, which one day in the future they will,
would someone else care? would they miss those moments?
the things and time we shared?

I think they would. and to me, that matters.


I wish I could relive many times in my life,
replay them somehow with the people who care about them.

I live for the moments that I look at someone's face and can see
they just put a moment in that little storage compartment.
they'll find the key to that box in a smell, an image, a person.
maybe even a song.
I live. for. that.


I don't know why it's so important to me.
it's not like I want to live my life so that in the end,
I'll possess some mental filing cabinet full of things that aren't eternal. no.

but I'm starting to believe that those little things are glimpses of the eternal,
the things that will never pass away or perish or be forgotten.

I want to hold on to those glimpses for as long as needed.
to see what they can show me.

the glory of God is inside of those moments.
because God is in every moment.
I can now see Him in every laugh, every star, and every person.
He is in everything and He is everything.
He is so much more than we know or can see.
He goes beyond these moments, into a place where time is no more
and these amazing, nostalgic, God-given moments
fade away in comparison to Him.


I see things the way that I do because that is how He made me,
and every one else. for the sole purpose of glorifying Him.
my prayer is that we would have our eyes opened to these glorious things,
to the glorious God who created them and loves and saves.


-b

2013.

is it just me or is everyone else still flipping out about this new year?
I seriously can't get over it!
2012 went by so quickly.. now part of the past. whew.

I'd like to commemorate:
the last week of '12 + the first week of '13 
with a little commentary and a few iphone snaps. :)


first off, I want to say that I was incredibly fortunate to be able to take
two (separate) out-of-state trips within a two week time frame.
it was so much fun to visit with my brother in Florida for the week of Christmas,
then fly down (BY MYSELF, might I add. woooot.)
to the lone star state to stay with a dear friend to attend
another dear friend's wedding.
seriously. awesome.

 Florida:

we spent nearly a week with my brother & his wife and daughter
and I loved every minute.
he's moved fairly often (as have I) in the past few years
and it's always a blessing to see him.
oldest brothers can't be beat, I tell ya.

day trip to historical St. Augustine. it was c.o.o.l.

my absolutely adorable youngest niece.

my brother. just in case you couldn't tell we're related..

so many more photos I could share from there.. maybe a facebook album?
if I ever get around to it. :)

now to Texas!

me and this amazing girl named Shelbie (dear friend) have been talking for almost
exactly a year now through email, texting, phone calls, skype..
anything you can think of.
other than in passing at church camps, we had only ever met ONCE last July..
for twenty minutes might I add- and it simply wasn't enough.
so I decided we needed a week together this January
and praise the LORD it worked out!
luckily we both knew this other amazing dear friend {Bekah}
and got to attend her wedding. together.
talk about fun. 

basically we have a lot of fun together.

mustache props + crazy wedding people = fun.

me, dear friend #1, dear friend #2.

I lovelovelovelovelove flying. love it.

SO. that's what my "lately" has looked like.
I'm excited for the adventures this year will bring.


-b

winter.

today has been anticipated by many as the apocalypse. (dun duh duhhh.)
and since that didn't happen (yet),
I'm relishing the fact that it's now winter.
personally it's my favorite season,
except for the dreadful sniffles & such that usually come with it. *coughs*

I love waking up to shiny white light in the morning,
although unfortunately since my older siblings are grown,
I'm not involved in as many snowball fights as I'd like to be. :)




to me, winter is a time of rest and reflection and renewing.
spring will come with new life in a few short months,
but as my favorite band states in this lovely song:

"every seed dies before it grows." 

sometimes I need a break.
on the outside I may be fine, but eventually I need some time alone or else..
it's just not good.

once again I'm amazed at the seasons that our Father established
not only in nature, but in hearts and lives and emotions.
He placed balance and order where it was necessary and made it beautiful, too.
even though the cold wind and deep snow eventually gets tiresome,
it's beautiful.

the new year is coming, and I'm excited for it.
may all your resolutions fail and instead,
be reminded of the new life that comes after the winter.

'tis the season.

whoa.
so I just had a strange realization that not only:
1) I have a blog.
2) I haven't updated it in a month or more.
3) life can go from mildly busy
{as in every once in a while},
to crazy busy
{as in forgetting what day it is}
in the blink of an eye!


so here I am, procrastinating again.
my birthday is tomorrow and
I'm hardly believing it.
December has been an insane month already,
and I know it will continue!
so much I'm learning lately that I will share,
in due time.

to whoever is reading, thank you &
merry christmas!

-Baylee

just a little behind on my pictures.. decided to take my camera out tonight and capture some autumn before it all disappears.

happy tuesday night!

tomorrow.

thinking about the future gets me really excited.

knowing that every moment, every event.. is not out of God's control.
His hands are holding the world together, still, as they always have.
His intentions have not changed, nor will they ever.


yet, it is so easy, and almost automatic,
for me to worry in spite of knowing those truths.
as if worrying will change something.
all it does is take away from today and limit tomorrow. and I know this.


I also tend to count my chickens before they hatch.
and they usually don't end up hatching at all. or they're not even chickens.

how much more could we make of today.

if every minute we thought about how tomorrow isn't ours.
no, but today is. and that's exciting.

"but as it is written: 'eye has not seen, nor ear heard, 

nor have entered into the heart of man the things which 

God has prepared for those who love Him.'"

-1 corinthians 2:9

{three this week} 10/22 - 10/29

happy monday, everyone! 

light, in and of itself, is just an amazing thing.

black & white from 9.20.11.

sequiota park in springfield, mo.

{new feature}

even though I've posted pictures in the past,

I thought I'd introduce a once-a-weekish feature to my blog.. 

3 pictures that best sum up my week. sounds good? alright.

here's to faithfully sharing a few moments that caught my eye.

there's a song in the air!

from a harvest party on the 20th, hosted by my adoptive family. isn't laughter the best thing ever?

autumn is just so wonderful. it's inspired me to do some writing, lately.

and there you have it!

it sets you free.

truth is relative. 

no, no it's not. is it?
it comes in different forms though.. wait, no it doesn't.
truth is truth. wait, what's truth in the first place?


do you ever have conversations like that in your head?
because that's one I had in mine today.
I have this thing about not talking when I don't know if I should..
well, not right now.



isn't truth what we're all looking for, whether or not we recognize/admit it?
some kind of black and white lines.
security that something in this ever-changing life won't change.
something that tells us that there's wrong and right,  
justice and a reason for injustice.



a quote from fellow human, Jon Foreman, says a lot:

the "truth" of loving those around me, the "truth" of seeking justice for the oppressed, the "truth" of a life of service -- these are truths to be possessed by: to be a slave in the service of the kingdom of the heavens, to be the servant of all. if the truths in this life have no owner then we are set free: free from the need to defend the truth, free to be possessed by this truth and simply live it out. truth becomes much too large for me to possess; truth is the beauty and authenticity which possesses me.

what I see from that is that truth is just too big for us.
the Truth Himself is the thing/person/spirit that possesses us. 
His thoughts are higher than ours.
His Word was given to us so that we could see this truth:
He is the black and white, He is justice, He is unchanging, and He is truth.


"then Jesus said to those Jews who believed Him, 
'if you abide in My word, you are My disciples indeed.  
and you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.'"

-John 8:31 & 32

extraordinary.

what comes to mind when you hear the word "mundane"?

 

I think of boredom, everyday, run-of-the-mill.


"I feel so mundane with everything,"
said a wonderful friend of mine a few days ago.
I agreed that I'm in the same place.



well, should you type that lovely little word into google, the first definition is this:

1. lacking interest or excitement; dull.

• "seeking a way out of his mundane, humdrum existence."

we've all been there before, right?
the day to day living, nothing extraordinary or life-changing. routine.


and then the second definition got the wheels in my head turning.

2. of this earthly world rather than a heavenly or spiritual one.

• "the boundaries of the mundane world."

whoa.


I still don't know exactly what to think about that.

of all the wonders and beauty here on the planet, it's still mundane.
all the people and things and places, but it has boundaries.
such rich history and information and new technology, and it's mundane.

what does the Earth have to offer? why are we here?

here's a paragraph from John Piper's recent sermon,  
"Why Did God Create the World?"

"The Bible is crystal clear about this: “The heavens declare the glory of God” (Psalm 19:1). If someone asks, “If earth is the only inhabited planet and man the only rational inhabitant among the stars, why such a large and empty universe?" The answer is: It’s not about us. It’s about God. And that's an understatement. God created us to know him and love him and show him. And then he gave us a hint of what he is like  — the universe."

if you think about that..
our mundane things on Earth are here to give God glory,
the very end of our existence.


and then, everything becomes not so.. ordinary.


"if then you were raised with Christ, seek those things which are above, 
where Christ is, sitting at the right hand of God.  
set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth.  
for you died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God.  
when Christ who is our life appears, then you also will appear with Him 
in glory." 
-colossians 3:1-4.

sufficient.

grace is such a big topic lately amongst "church people", 

and for good reason.

 

nothing I could add to the discussion would be worth much, but let me say this:


you have no understanding or grasp of grace until it is all you have.


until it is the only thing keeping you afloat in an ocean of sin that threatens to swallow you whole, unapologetic in its tossing and crashing and sinking.


people mess up, they makes mistakes they regret.
we all have heard it before, yada yada yada.
but when the rubber meets the road..

mistakes ruin lives. they ruin families, marriages, relationships.
they are real and sin is real and there are consequences that are not pleasant or wanted.

you know what there's more of?

grace.

the kind that not only keeps you afloat, it's a kind that throws the life preserver into the waves when you've fallen off the boat, and pulls you back onto it.

it saves and it's undeserving and so deep.
what's the most amazing thing about grace?

its Giver.


"and He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, 
for  My strength is made perfect in weakness.” 
therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, 
that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 

2 corinthians verse 9.

"timing is everything."

one word that I have a continued love/hate relationship with: time. 

there's so many quotes, clichés, and metaphors about how quickly 
it passes or how it heals all wounds.

the third chapter of Ecclesiastes reminds me that
"for everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven." (v.1)

just like the flowers bloom in the spring and the leaves change in the fall,
God allows a time for everything,
(yes, everything) in our lives.
the bitter cold of winter or the sweltering heat of summer isn't pleasant,
but it's necessary. it creates balance.

verse 11 is astounding:
"He has made everything beautiful in its time. 
also He has put eternity in their hearts, 
except that no one can find out the work that God does from beginning to end."

God finishes what He starts.
the process is guaranteed to be messy, awkward, and trying..
it's worth it.
time changes people and their dreams.
God's purposes and plans do not change.
I'm excited to see them out till the end 
and enjoy the surprises our loving, sovereign Creator will
(undoubtably) pull out of His sleeve.

difference.

I'm trying to sort out the difference between thinking and doing.

wondering if the words I say and the things I do line up at all.
the difference between the idea and the putting into practice.
what is it?



what difference does it make if I'm a Christian on Facebook,
but not in daily doings?
I'm not claiming that I'm a completely two-faced,
hypocritical liar with no spirituality outside of the Internet.
feel free to think that if you'd like, but that's not the point.



on a long-winded side-note, I've finally come to a place where I literally do not care about what people think about me.
every once in a while, my pride will show up and I do think about how a certain situation or something else looks to other people.
yes, I do care about how people view Christ through me.
yes, I do care about people wanting to correct me out of a loving heart.
but who am I serving?
in no way am I the epitome of a servant, no.
but I'm trying, and learning.

anyway.

the world does not need another Facebook Christian.
or another Christian hiding behind a blog.


what the world does need is a group of real people,
who are different.
they reach out, they help, they spread goodness,
they are truly Christ's followers.
no, they are not popular.
but they are known for who they are. for who Christ is.
He is always the difference.


that's the person I want to be. that's the difference.

today. 9.9.12.

if someone were to ask me what I want to do with my life,
I'm sure they would end up listening to me ramble for hours.

but behind all my ideas and ambitions, most of them changing daily, what do I really want to do with my life?
the only one I have?


I don't know. and if I'm being honest, that drives me to insanity. not knowing. any friend of mine can confirm that on my list of personality flaws, my ridiculous need for knowledge is up there. way up there. sometimes it's a positive thing,
sometimes it only causes grief.


but...

I'm learning that I'm not supposed to know right now.

it's not about having my best life now.
nor is it about understanding every step.
it's about finding life and purpose in between steps.
it's about learning and growing and finding and not finding and searching and seeking and blissfully not knowing what's next.

and sometimes, rambling.




uninformed and happy about it,
   Baylee.

today. 8.31.12.

rain makes me think. something about it is so peaceful and cleansing and I could watch it pour all day long.


it invites me to pause to reflect, to consider, and ultimately just to rest.


just like the storms from Hurricane Isaac have moved over my dry, thirsty little village of a town, sometimes spiritual storms are a really good thing. especially when you're in a drought.


how have those storms shaped me? I remember some of the bigger ones. hurricanes, you could call them. death, temptation, discontent, lack of faith, bad family situations, moving from my home.

then there were the small, and in retrospect, blown-out-of-proportion ones. brief showers. still, they brought me to where I am.


oh, how I hope it keeps raining.




drenched and thankful,
Baylee.

today. 8.29.12.

my family members will rebuke, patronize, and laugh at me for saying this.


I love nature.


yes, me. a self-proclaimed hermit.


for about a month now, I have taken a walk on the dead-end street behind my house around twilight nearly every day. it is truly incredible, how much it has changed me.

the tree line, half sun & half shadow. two rabbits scurrying across my path. puffy clouds and a crystal sky.
(tell me.. just HOW is the sky that blue?)


it's truly an aesthetic experience.


stop and take it in. breathe slowly, think hard, and think about this life we're living.

oh, and don't stop to take a panoramic picture. unless you want weird looks from the neighbors who just so happen to be standing on their back porch, probably wondering what that twirling idiot is doing in the middle of the street.


awkwardly,
Baylee.

I know nothing about blogging. At all.

but, after countless statements such as..

"hey, that would be a great name for a blog."

"why don't you have a blog?"

"you need a blog."

I took a hint.

Behind the name..

a few weeks back, a conversation with a friend turned into daydreaming about possible names for our non-existent children. we both agreed names should have meaning.
so then I wondered.. what does my name mean?

Bailiff. 

how. exciting.

for lack of a better excuse, I did some searching to see if it had any other possible meaning.
in short, "Bailey" as an English surname also means bailiff,
but with an added definition "to deliver."

my middle name Ann, means grace.

put them together, and you have "to deliver grace."



life mission found? maybe.
good name for a blog? I'd like to think so.

What will I write about?

I'm not really sure. maybe random musings, rantings, stories.
my concern isn't who or how many reads it, but that maybe those who do will come away with a different perspective.
or something like that..



until next time,
 Baylee.