pointing fingers and finding praise

i make judgements.

i see others sin and wonder why they seemingly choose to live in it.

why is it okay to see (and more often than not, point out) a specific flaw in another person and completely ignore it when it's present in my own heart?



i think of having my own family one day.
raising my children, instilling in them the love of God's Word and obedience to His commandments.
those kids are going to make mistakes in their lives which i will have no control over.
but it breaks my heart even now to think of the grip sin could have in their life,
and the choices they will make regardless of what i teach them,
regardless of the love i show them. they will decide to sin at some point.

then, the truth glared at me.

that must be exactly how the Lord feels about us.

how much it must anguish Him, to see us choose less than His perfect plan.
He knows the very best and we still do the things He despises, the sins He absolutely hates.
psalm 51 even says that it is against Him and Him alone that we sin.

how dare i use the shortcomings of other people, other brothers and sisters in Christ,
to lessen the wretchedness of my own sin.

the ugly, horrible reality is that every day i can and do decide to tear people down in a futile attempt to climb the ladder of self-righteousness. there's nothing more to say about it, because that's all it is.
i should be building them up, speaking encouragement, praying for them.
that's what i want others to do for me, right?

these thoughts would be overwhelming, and condemning,
if not for a risen Savior,
a Holy Spirit that convicts and comforts,
and a Heavenly Father who draws His children back to Himself.
that is the glorious truth that i cling to.


-b

nostalgia + more

the past creeps up on me, slowly sometimes, or instead all at once.
the good, the bad, the really good, and the really bad.

it seems like a waste, to keep going back to a time that is non-existent.
if there's no benefit to draw from it, no new lesson to be learned.. why?
yet to me, it's incredible that we even have a memory.
a little storage compartment.
to be able to recall how I felt, how it changed me, how I feel about it now.
my memory is like a box kept under lock & key,
containing precious things and moments that matter only to me.

but is it only me? do other people feel this same way?
if these things were to all perish, which one day in the future they will,
would someone else care? would they miss those moments?
the things and time we shared?

I think they would. and to me, that matters.


I wish I could relive many times in my life,
replay them somehow with the people who care about them.

I live for the moments that I look at someone's face and can see
they just put a moment in that little storage compartment.
they'll find the key to that box in a smell, an image, a person.
maybe even a song.
I live. for. that.


I don't know why it's so important to me.
it's not like I want to live my life so that in the end,
I'll possess some mental filing cabinet full of things that aren't eternal. no.

but I'm starting to believe that those little things are glimpses of the eternal,
the things that will never pass away or perish or be forgotten.

I want to hold on to those glimpses for as long as needed.
to see what they can show me.

the glory of God is inside of those moments.
because God is in every moment.
I can now see Him in every laugh, every star, and every person.
He is in everything and He is everything.
He is so much more than we know or can see.
He goes beyond these moments, into a place where time is no more
and these amazing, nostalgic, God-given moments
fade away in comparison to Him.


I see things the way that I do because that is how He made me,
and every one else. for the sole purpose of glorifying Him.
my prayer is that we would have our eyes opened to these glorious things,
to the glorious God who created them and loves and saves.


-b

today. 9.9.12.

if someone were to ask me what I want to do with my life,
I'm sure they would end up listening to me ramble for hours.

but behind all my ideas and ambitions, most of them changing daily, what do I really want to do with my life?
the only one I have?


I don't know. and if I'm being honest, that drives me to insanity. not knowing. any friend of mine can confirm that on my list of personality flaws, my ridiculous need for knowledge is up there. way up there. sometimes it's a positive thing,
sometimes it only causes grief.


but...

I'm learning that I'm not supposed to know right now.

it's not about having my best life now.
nor is it about understanding every step.
it's about finding life and purpose in between steps.
it's about learning and growing and finding and not finding and searching and seeking and blissfully not knowing what's next.

and sometimes, rambling.




uninformed and happy about it,
   Baylee.