nostalgia + more

the past creeps up on me, slowly sometimes, or instead all at once.
the good, the bad, the really good, and the really bad.

it seems like a waste, to keep going back to a time that is non-existent.
if there's no benefit to draw from it, no new lesson to be learned.. why?
yet to me, it's incredible that we even have a memory.
a little storage compartment.
to be able to recall how I felt, how it changed me, how I feel about it now.
my memory is like a box kept under lock & key,
containing precious things and moments that matter only to me.

but is it only me? do other people feel this same way?
if these things were to all perish, which one day in the future they will,
would someone else care? would they miss those moments?
the things and time we shared?

I think they would. and to me, that matters.


I wish I could relive many times in my life,
replay them somehow with the people who care about them.

I live for the moments that I look at someone's face and can see
they just put a moment in that little storage compartment.
they'll find the key to that box in a smell, an image, a person.
maybe even a song.
I live. for. that.


I don't know why it's so important to me.
it's not like I want to live my life so that in the end,
I'll possess some mental filing cabinet full of things that aren't eternal. no.

but I'm starting to believe that those little things are glimpses of the eternal,
the things that will never pass away or perish or be forgotten.

I want to hold on to those glimpses for as long as needed.
to see what they can show me.

the glory of God is inside of those moments.
because God is in every moment.
I can now see Him in every laugh, every star, and every person.
He is in everything and He is everything.
He is so much more than we know or can see.
He goes beyond these moments, into a place where time is no more
and these amazing, nostalgic, God-given moments
fade away in comparison to Him.


I see things the way that I do because that is how He made me,
and every one else. for the sole purpose of glorifying Him.
my prayer is that we would have our eyes opened to these glorious things,
to the glorious God who created them and loves and saves.


-b

"timing is everything."

one word that I have a continued love/hate relationship with: time. 

there's so many quotes, clichés, and metaphors about how quickly 
it passes or how it heals all wounds.

the third chapter of Ecclesiastes reminds me that
"for everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven." (v.1)

just like the flowers bloom in the spring and the leaves change in the fall,
God allows a time for everything,
(yes, everything) in our lives.
the bitter cold of winter or the sweltering heat of summer isn't pleasant,
but it's necessary. it creates balance.

verse 11 is astounding:
"He has made everything beautiful in its time. 
also He has put eternity in their hearts, 
except that no one can find out the work that God does from beginning to end."

God finishes what He starts.
the process is guaranteed to be messy, awkward, and trying..
it's worth it.
time changes people and their dreams.
God's purposes and plans do not change.
I'm excited to see them out till the end 
and enjoy the surprises our loving, sovereign Creator will
(undoubtably) pull out of His sleeve.

difference.

I'm trying to sort out the difference between thinking and doing.

wondering if the words I say and the things I do line up at all.
the difference between the idea and the putting into practice.
what is it?



what difference does it make if I'm a Christian on Facebook,
but not in daily doings?
I'm not claiming that I'm a completely two-faced,
hypocritical liar with no spirituality outside of the Internet.
feel free to think that if you'd like, but that's not the point.



on a long-winded side-note, I've finally come to a place where I literally do not care about what people think about me.
every once in a while, my pride will show up and I do think about how a certain situation or something else looks to other people.
yes, I do care about how people view Christ through me.
yes, I do care about people wanting to correct me out of a loving heart.
but who am I serving?
in no way am I the epitome of a servant, no.
but I'm trying, and learning.

anyway.

the world does not need another Facebook Christian.
or another Christian hiding behind a blog.


what the world does need is a group of real people,
who are different.
they reach out, they help, they spread goodness,
they are truly Christ's followers.
no, they are not popular.
but they are known for who they are. for who Christ is.
He is always the difference.


that's the person I want to be. that's the difference.

today. 9.9.12.

if someone were to ask me what I want to do with my life,
I'm sure they would end up listening to me ramble for hours.

but behind all my ideas and ambitions, most of them changing daily, what do I really want to do with my life?
the only one I have?


I don't know. and if I'm being honest, that drives me to insanity. not knowing. any friend of mine can confirm that on my list of personality flaws, my ridiculous need for knowledge is up there. way up there. sometimes it's a positive thing,
sometimes it only causes grief.


but...

I'm learning that I'm not supposed to know right now.

it's not about having my best life now.
nor is it about understanding every step.
it's about finding life and purpose in between steps.
it's about learning and growing and finding and not finding and searching and seeking and blissfully not knowing what's next.

and sometimes, rambling.




uninformed and happy about it,
   Baylee.

today. 8.29.12.

my family members will rebuke, patronize, and laugh at me for saying this.


I love nature.


yes, me. a self-proclaimed hermit.


for about a month now, I have taken a walk on the dead-end street behind my house around twilight nearly every day. it is truly incredible, how much it has changed me.

the tree line, half sun & half shadow. two rabbits scurrying across my path. puffy clouds and a crystal sky.
(tell me.. just HOW is the sky that blue?)


it's truly an aesthetic experience.


stop and take it in. breathe slowly, think hard, and think about this life we're living.

oh, and don't stop to take a panoramic picture. unless you want weird looks from the neighbors who just so happen to be standing on their back porch, probably wondering what that twirling idiot is doing in the middle of the street.


awkwardly,
Baylee.